Marital Dilemmas
If you have read our article about the family members, you know that speaking about people related to you in Japanese is no easy thing – you really need to focus on how you are all related and what is the relation between you and your speaker. Similarly, there is also a plethora of words referring to one’s husband or wife. But how are they all different and when to use which one?
Let us start with the word for ‘wife’. There are numerous ways to refer to your own, but perhaps the most popular one is tsuma. It already implies that you are talking about your partner, so you would not add ‘my’ to it – ore no tsuma 俺の妻 would be a mistake. While tsuma is rather neutral, its humble counterpart would be kanai. In kanji it is written as 家内, which literally means ‘inside of the house’ and refers to the traditional role of the wife, which was to stay at home, in her quarters. Because of these archaic roots, some people might be reluctant to use it nowadays. Other Japanese refer to their wives as yome 嫁, probably through confusion with hanayome 花嫁, ‘bride’, because it is in fact not entirely correct, as yome actually means ‘dauthter-in-law’ and should be used only by the husband’s family – the mother in law would then refer to the wife as uchi no yome うちの嫁, e.g., saying uchi no yome wa beppinsan うちの嫁はべっぴんさん (‘Our daughter-in-law is a real beauty’). A slightly old-fashioned, informal word for ‘wife’ is nyо̄bо̄ 女房. Some sources suggest it has the same nuance as ‘my old lady’ in English, so it is not really a term that young people opt for. Another interesting informal option is kamisan かみさん, which often implies that the wife is somehow superior, more skilled, strong-willed or knowledgeable, and can be used in a playful or endearing way to refer to both your wife as well as the life companion of your interlocutor a third person. What is important to bear in mind, traditionally it also applies to women working in hospitality, restaurants or inns, as well as landladies, which you might still hear. The most common way to refer to someone else’s wife, however, is okusan or okusama, written in kanji as 奥さん, which corresponds to the previously-mentioned kanai, as 奥 means ‘the inner part’ (of a house), so the word refers to, once again, the person inside the house. It is simply more honorific than its counterpart thanks to the suffix -san or -sama.
An interesting word is gusai. It is a humble way of referring to your own wife and is written in kanji as 愚妻 – ‘stupid’ and ‘wife’ – which might seem like you are insulting your partner. However, it is said to be the abbreviation of 愚か自分の妻 oroka jibun no tsuma, ‘the wife of foolish me’, which definitely redeems word. Still, it is not widely used, but you might happen upon it sometime.
Another less popular term, which is, however, good to know, is the formal fujin 夫人, which used to refer to noblemen’s wives and has the connotation of a ‘lady’ – nowadays, it is sometimes chosen to describe notable, influential women and wives thereof. For example, the famous Marie Curie, who conducted pioneering research on radioactivity, in Japan is widely known as キュリー夫人, Madame Curie.
A convenient gender-neutral word to use is tsureai 連れ合い (or tsure 連れ). You might use it in reference both to your wife or husband, but also girlfriend or boyfriend, or even just a friend – it simply means ‘the person you are together with’. Depending on the situation it might imply a deeper connection between the two of you, but does not have to, so it is a good choice if you do not want to state anything too straight. A third person might use it in the form otsureai no kata お連れ合いの方 or otsuresan お連れさん. E.g., when u are in a restaurant, you might be asked by the waiter: Otsureai no kata wa nani o nomaremasuka – ‘what would your companion like to drink?’
Another slightly vague way of referring to your partner is aikata 相方, which also does not indisputably imply marital relations, but means simply ‘companion’. It is originally known as the way to refer to your manzai (two-person comedy act) partner. At the same time, some also like to use the English word paatonaa, partner, to talk about their other half.
In formal contexts, such as in legal documents, you will often see the word haigūsha 配偶者, which means ‘spouse’. You might also happen upon hanryo 伴侶, ‘companion’. They both do not specify gender, however, are usually not brought up in a conversation and mostly appear written.
When it comes to husbands, you can use all the gender-neutral forms mentioned above, but the most common way to talk about your own marital partner is otto 夫. There is also the option of shujin 主人, which can also refer to someone else’s husband in the form goshujin ご主人. Unfortunately, the word also happens to mean ‘master’, so it could be said to reinforce the patriarchal dynamic of a relationship – while it is still rather widely used, many in fact admit that they feel uncomfortable using it and do it only begrudgingly. There is an alternative: dannasan 旦那さん in reference to a a third person, and danna 旦那 when talking about your own partner, although it does carry a similar connotation of a ‘boss’, as in the past it was used towards dignified guests and customers. However, it is said to be less old-fashioned and more intimate. If you are still looking for another way, some also use the familiar phrase uchi no hito うちの人 – that person in my family, that guy of mine.
To sum up, you have many words to select from when referring to your own spouse, so you may choose freely whichever one you like best beforehand. At the same time, if you find yourself at a doubt when talking to someone else about their ‘special person’ because of the plethora of available variants, do not panic – you can always resort to dannasan and okusan, or perhaps otsureai no kata if you are unsure about the relationship between your conversational partners.
Written by AL